Owen's Top 10: Olympic sports I could not finish last at

Two weeks ago, Nolan Collery wrote his infamous article “Nolan’s Top 10: Sports I would be the worst at.” Collery’s article got me thinking: is there a single Olympic sport I could not finish last in?

My qualifications

I’m 5-foot-11 and 150 pounds on a good day. I would call myself an all-around average athlete who desperately needs to hit arms at the gym. Growing up, I tried pretty much every sport possible, played varsity soccer, and ran cross country and track in high school.

Criteria

Sports from either Olympics are in play. Only established Olympic sports count, so sorry Raygun, that means no breakdancing. I compete for Team America and do not have to go through Olympic Trials. If the sport is a team sport, I have to play every minute of every game.

As a reminder, I do not have to do “good”; I just can not finish it last.

Whether it’s my cockiness, my willingness to bend the rules of what counts as “last place,” or the fact that I am a much better athlete than Collery, something called me to make this list. Without further ado, here are seven Olympic sports I could not finish last in.

Short Track Speed Skating

When I told my friend about this pick, his first question was, “Can you skate?” No Jeremy, no, I can not. But here’s the thing: people always get disqualified from speed skating.

Five skaters were disqualified in the first round of the 2022 Beijing Olympics men’s 1000-meter race. Thus, if I can just finish the race, I won’t take last.

My Plan: Skate on the outside of the track, fall 1000 times, make sure to finish the race before they shut the lights off.

Men’s Basketball

I suck at basketball. I airball more than I hit the rim. However, if the 2028 USA men’s basketball team is nearly as dominant as the 2024 team, the four other court players can compensate for my embarrassing performance.

My plan: Matthew Dellavedova my way to not last.

Bobsled

This is a risky pick because I don't know if this sport is difficult or not. That said, I’m pretty sure I can just sit there once I get in the sled because it doesn’t take all four sledders to drive.

My other worry is that my lack of upper body strength will ruin our chances.

My Plan: Five-minute YouTube workouts and hope someone else crashes.

Giant Slalom

It's another competition in which I’m hoping someone gets disqualified. In the 2022 Beijing Olympics, 43 skiers did not finish or were disqualified.

My Plan: Slow and steady does not finish last in the race.

Curling

No explanation is needed here. Curling requires very little athletic prowess, and it's a team event, so even if I suck, my teammates can hopefully carry me.

My Plan: Sweep.

Soccer

Like basketball, the 10 other players on the field can make up for me. The USA Olympic Soccer Team is nowhere near as good as the basketball team; however, I am not as much of a liability on the soccer pitch as I am on the basketball court.

My Plan: Player of the Tournament, Golden Boot, sign with Real Madrid, become the greatest player of all time.

Handball

In 2012, Forbes examined how long it takes to become an Olympic-level athlete in each Olympic sport.

Most sports take seven to 15 years to master; handball takes two to four years. According to Forbes, many Olympian handball players do not pick up the sport until college or later.

My Plan: Pick up handball, I guess.

Owen Cameros is a second-year majoring in broadcast journalism. To contact him, please email ohc5024@psu.edu.