Nolan's Top 10: Sports I would be the worst at

Sports are the best. You get to participate in some physical activity while working towards a competitive goal – what’s not to love?

Being terrible. That’s what.

I enjoy getting to try new things, don’t get me wrong, but I am a realist. I know when something is not for me.

I like to think that I am a decently athletic guy who could give the old college try for any game brought to me, but there are some games I just figure that are hardly worth my attempt.

Here are things I can do at least somewhat okay-ish: I can somewhat defend myself, I wouldn’t drown in an open body of water, I have sort of ridden horses, I’m almost able to do three whole pull-ups and I have unreasonable belief in myself.

These are the ten sports I think I would truly suck at.

(Sidenote - I played water polo in middle school, otherwise it would totally be on this list.)

No. 10 Sumo Wrestling

I totally would try this out, but I doubt I would find too much success in the ring.

If I found myself against a smaller opponent, then this would be so much fun.

However, when I find myself against a 400-pound man in a diaper, I doubt I’ll be having fun. And if you aren’t having fun, why play?

No. 9 Surfing

Surfing is this high on the list because I could totally get immersed in the culture of it.

Wassup duuuuude? Gnarrrr break on the surf today, yeah? Catch some waves then catch some vibes, right brosef?

Anyone who knows me could imagine me saying just that in puka shells and an open Hawaiian shirt showing my glistening abs (lie).

That being said, I have no idea how to surf and it looks really hard.

No. 8 Calf Roping

I’m starting to get why my grandfather used to joke and say, “You couldn’t even make it as a rodeo clown.”

Actually, that was kind of mean of him.

He was totally right though. This looks impossible.

I can kind of ride a horse, but doing something else while riding a horse is a bit out of my wheelhouse.

I wonder if another sport that involves riding a horse while doing something else will be on this list?

(This is called foreshadowing)

No. 7 Strongman Competitions

I’m strong enough I suppose, but come on. This is ridiculous.

No. 6 Figure Skating

I am world-famous for both my beauty and grace.

But ice skating is just so hard.

Hockey almost took this spot, but there I have a stick to help support me, plus I could just play goalie and not worry as much.

Here, it’s just me and the ice. That’s a dangerous combination.

I’m no Chazz Michael Michaels, and I can live with that.

No. 5 Polo

I told you this horse thing would come back up.

Listen, I swear I can handle a buckin’ bronco (another lie) but I don’t think I can handle it while also swinging a hammer of sorts.

But even worse for my case, I just am not of the financial status to even watch a polo match, let alone participate. Maybe this is making a stand about too large a topic for my silly little article, but a man has to know which battles are his.

Mine just isn’t one on horseback with rich old dudes.

No. 4 Diving

I’m actually a solid swimmer – competitive in middle school and a lifeguard in high school.

I would certainly not qualify myself as a solid jumper.

But most of all, I dislike heights. Moreover, I really really dislike the idea of jumping from high places. At least there’s water at the bottom and not solid ground.

I would really hate a sport that involves jumping from a high place and landing on hard ground.

(refer to the footnote under No. 7)

No. 3 Pole Vault

Remember that pull-up comment? That wasn’t just classic Nolan self-deprecation, no no, that was an important bit of context.

This looks impossible for people who know how to do it. I do not know how to do it.

No. 2 Ski Jumping

You really are getting good at learning how I use foreshadowing.

I can’t ski. I can barely jump from injuries. I don’t like the thought of soaring over ice.

Of all the sports I have never played, I think this is the one I would be the absolute worst at.

No. 1 Golf

I love golf. I play golf all the time. I pay way too much money to play this game.

There is no game on this planet that I would be worse at than golf.

Nolan Collery is a third-year majoring in broadcast journalism, to contact him please email njc5848@psu.edu