Top drop-off destinations for the Beaver Stadium goalposts

The college football landscape is filled to the brim with astonishing, and sometimes psychotic traditions. This past Saturday, following a win against No. 1 Alabama, Vanderbilt students stormed their home field, and in their departure, took the field goalposts with them.

After a three-mile trek across Nashville surpassing an hour’s time, the goalposts were dumped into the Cumberland River in celebratory fashion.

This begs the question: if the opportunity ever presented itself, where would Penn State students take the Beaver Stadium field goalposts? In this hypothetical situation, we would operate under the assumption that this would be the result of a Nov. 2 win against Ohio State at home.

Here are the indisputable 10 best potential resting places for Beaver Stadium’s field goalposts on the night of Nov. 2.

10. Harrisburg International Airport

The first instinct for anyone taking downfield goalposts is to locate the nearest airport runway. However, Penn State students would run into trouble if they tried to take the posts to the State College regional airport because of the limited size of the runway.

Penn State football head coach James Franklin has recently spoken out about the concern of the size of the airport’s runway, causing the football team to look towards the Harrisburg airport instead. While still a great option, it could be a challenging 35-hour long walk south for Penn Students.

9. Nittany Mall

The Nittany Mall is desperate for a resurgence. The long-standing shopping mall of State College has lasted since 1968 but has endured a dwindling popularity over the recent years. What has become a liminal space over recent years could see an imminent revival if visited by hundreds of win-happy Penn State fans and their goalposts.

8. Halal Sher Gyro Cart

A staple of downtown State College food, it would be difficult to find a destination more romantic than this one. Residing on the intersection of Pugh St. and Beaver St., the halal cart serves hungry Penn State students day in and day out with tasty treats. The positives don’t just end there either; the food cart doesn’t stop serving until three in the morning, meaning students could fill their empty stomachs after the long walk from the stadium.

7. Chopped up and put into Berkey Creamery ice cream

Everybody gets a piece of the victory this way. Who would perform the surgery on the goalposts is undetermined, but this is still objectively one of the most creative and democratic results of a victory over Ohio State.

6. The Arboretum

One of the more popular spots on campus due to its beauty and graceful nature, the Arboretum at Penn State would be a no-brainer. What knocks the trip to the arboretum though is the fact that it is only one mile from the field, meaning it would be the shortest walk on this list. A 20-minute walk could prove to feel a tad unrewarding for students looking to create a memory of a lifetime.

5. Lion’s Den

The Den. One of the most beautiful places in State College, it was made for moments like these. The goal here would of course be to get the posts into the building, but Lion’s Den has one singular very small door, and getting the posts through the entrance could be very challenging. What students would have to do is break off the posts from the foundation and carry them in a straight line.

4. Ryan Day’s house

Where better to take the goalpost than the opposing team’s head coach’s house? It’s been years since Penn State has been able to overpower Ohio State on the football field, and there could be no better way to rub it in. However, where this plan falters though is that we can only assume that Ryan Day lives in central Ohio.

Assuming he lives in Columbus, Ohio, it would be a five-day trip to Ryan Day’s. But SpongeBob and Patrick’s journey to Shell City was also five days, so it feels more achievable when you put it in perspective.

3. Penn State women’s volleyball at Rec Hall

Just across campus at Rec Hall, No. 3 Penn State women’s volleyball will be matching up against the Iowa Hawkeyes. The time of the match has yet to be revealed, but it is safe to assume it will take place shortly after the conclusion of Penn State football’s noon matchup against Ohio State. Taking the Beaver Stadium goalposts into a live match against Iowa at Rec Hall would be a little more than a power move.

2. Pollock Testing Center

One of the most infamous destinations on campus resides on Pollock Road, it is the Pollock Testing Center. Nobody seems to like visiting the testing center on Pollock, speak to any Penn State student and they’ll tell you it is a place full of dread and just bad vibes. Perhaps what the testing center needs is some good luck, which could be delivered along with the Beaver Stadium goalposts.

Honorable Mentions: Mt. Everest, Taylor Swift’s Christmas Tree Farm, Atlantic City, Ellis Island.

1. Mt. Nittany

Sometimes, the most fulfilling journeys are the most rewarding. While this would be one of the most challenging feats of one’s life, there are few things that could prove to be more satisfying than planting the Beaver Stadium goalposts on top of the Nittany Mountain.

The Mount Nittany trailhead sits three miles away from Beaver Stadium, the same distance as Vanderbilt students traveled from FirstBank Stadium is from the Cumberland River. While Nashville is flat, Mt. Nittany is steep and would require heroic feats of teamwork to conquer.

Sketch Morton is a fifth-year majoring in broadcast journalism. To contact him, email sam7539@psu.edu.