State College mayor proclaims Greek Life Awareness Week

STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — Mayor Ezra Nanes proclaimed Greek Life Awareness Week from April 7-13 at the State College Borough Council meeting on Monday evening.

The new awareness week will be dedicated to teaching the community how to identify those diagnosed with Greek life and how to protect themselves when exposed to Greek life through seminars with adults learning to live with the disease, Greek life testing clinics and a public concert fundraiser for Greek life research for the cure.

“In case you aren’t aware, Greek life exists in State College,” Nanes said. “It is of the utmost importance that borough residents are aware and can share their awareness with their neighbors to spread more awareness in this great town.”

What people don’t know about Greek life, Nanes said, is that it’s like a parasitic infection. Once students are bitten by the Greek life bug, native to fraternity basements, their brain cells are the first to get attacked.

One of the first signs Nanes said to look for is in a person’s speech. Women who have the disease tend to talk at a rapid rate, pushing every syllable into one long word. Infected men experience the opposite effect; their sentences are short and slow because the disease eats away at their cerebrum.

Nanes said the most common places to find Greek life victims are in liquor stores, dispensaries and large backyards with uncut grass littered with red Solo cups. According to Nanes, sometimes they hibernate under beer pong tables and sleep in bushes when experiencing heightened symptoms.

“The worst thing you can do for them is supply them with alcohol,” Nanes said. “People can live long, unsuccessful lives with this disease, but alcohol, the thing they crave most, can be fatal.”

Like rabies sufferers, most victims of Greek life fear water. Instead, they crave Miller Light, Crown Russe and nicotine.

Nanes advised community members living near frat row to keep their empty bottles and alcohol waste in a separate bin in their homes because Greek lifers can smell it from a mile away. They will hunt through trash and rip street signs out of the ground when frustrated, Nanes warned.

Fraternities have clearly labeled shelters, but Nanes said sorority sisters are sometimes harder to find. However, the diseased women become recognizable after dark, he said.

“Chances are the female victims will have few articles of clothing. You may have the urge to tell them to put on a jacket,” Nanes said. “But it’s best to leave them alone. Greek life gives them the ability to feel warm in freezing temperatures, and they don’t take well to reasonable advice.”

According to Nanes, Greek life affects about 20% of students at Penn State, and most of them take double the time to graduate.

“One in five students at Penn State will attach Greek letters to the end of their names and ask you if you’ve rushed,” Nanes said. “If we don’t do something about this now, that number will grow.

Nanes said community members should smile and nod in the presence of Greek lifers because they can’t help their condition, but if the diseased ever ask for a donation, it’s best to run.

Representatives from both Alpha Phi Theta Gamma Chi and Delta Pi Beta Lambda Kappa accepted the proclamation.

Stacy White, an Alpha Phi Theta Gamma Chi sister, said she couldn’t be happier to see State College raise awareness of Greek life.

“HIMYNAMEISSTACYIMANAPTGCSISTERLETSGOSTATE,” White said. “This is a totally awesome opportunity for me and my sisters to finally feel heard. We didn’t choose APTGC, APTGC chose us.”

Two council members shared pitying looks, shaking their heads as White talked about her makeup routine for formal and how to rush for her sorority.

Then Jackson J. Jackson pulled notecards from his sweatpants, after accidentally pulling out his vape pen, and cleared his throat.

“This is like, uh, a great honor,” Jackson said, fidgeting. “We do not haze. We have never hazed. Uh, I don’t even know what the definition of hazing is. Thank you.”

Jackson then chanted Delta Pi Beta Lambda Kappa with his fist in the air and bolted out of the room.

“Greek life is something we can’t cure yet, but we can do our best to show our support by raising awareness,” Nanes said. “Know a Greek lifer when you see one. Pray for their dim future.”

(This story was created as part of COMM 498 Humor in Journalism.)