Nolan's Top Ten: NCAA Mascots I Could Beat in a Fight

Last year, I wrote an article covering the ten mascots in professional sports that I thought I could beat in a fistfight. That little passion piece got me two things: A nasty lawsuit from Mr. and Mrs. Met, and quite a few people asking me how I would fare as a brawler in college athletics.

My initial reaction was that I would never fight a college mascot – they represent something bigger than just a team. I am a proponent of higher education, and having a caricature that represents the spirit of learning at an institution is a splendid idea that I would never get in the way of.

Then, a friend asked me, “So you wouldn’t beat up “blank blank blank” if given the chance?”

All I could think to myself was, “Yeah, I could take that guy.”

Let’s get my qualifications out of the way - I am 6”1, large build, I’d like to say above average strength and a trained martial artist - a black belt in tang-soo-do.

Now, let’s set the rules for my opponents - they must be what I consider to be the primary mascot of the team, only Division I colleges are being considered and mascots may only use the equipment/weapons they are equipped with in suit form.

Enough chit-chat, time to prove who’s the boss.

No. 10 The Leprechaun, Notre Dame

Look, no one likes a sequel. It’s hard to capture the magic that the first go-around of an idea encapsulates, but if I can beat up the Celtics’ Lucky, then this unnamed Irishman is in for a doozy.

This lil’ guy ends up high on the list for very clearly being a leprechaun of the ‘Fighting’ variety, but, come on. I place my hand on his little bowler cap and let him wear himself out and this fight is over.

Battle Strategy – a Magically Delicious Roundhouse Kick

No. 9 Herbie Husker, Nebraska

Herbie is in some good fighting shape no doubt. Years of working the cornfields have left this mascot’s felty abs rather chiseled. If I fight him fair and honestly, I cannot guarantee the win.

If you know anything about me, I will not be fighting fair or honest.

I do respect America’s farmers - they are the backbone of this great country. That being said, I exploit weakness. When Herbie smells burnt corn in the air as we start to face off, he will beg me to stop the blaze from eating his fields.

Battle Strategy – Popcorn Button on the Microwave

No. 8 Smokey, Tennessee

Let me be very clear, I am talking about the dog standing on two legs, not that cute hound dog running around on all fours. I am a fighter, not a monster.

Turns out, it’s really hard to look at the cutest mascot you’ve ever seen and try to figure out how to punch it square in the face. I can’t help that I’m an animal lover, sue me (unless you are Mr. Met, as he has taken everything from me).

Smokey has a very clear advantage over me - I could never fight this adorable dog. But here’s the thing; Smokey could never fight me. Call this one a draw if you must, but I do think I still have the upper hand.

Battle Strategy – Awwwwww Come here Budddyyyy, Dawwwwwww, Who’s a Goooood Boy?

No. 7 Oregon Duck, Oregon

This is frankly the most even fight I could write up. The Duck has swagger. The Duck has drip. The Duck has a history of fistfighting.

Wait, what?

Yup, in 2007 the Oregon Duck got into a fistfight with Shasta the Cougar from Houston, and the billed bully was suspended for a game.

I am a brutal fighter, but I am a disciplined one. I’m not proud of it, but I’m going to cry to mommy NCAA the moment this bird lays a feather on me.

Battle Strategy – Repeat Offender in the Principal’s Office

No. 6 Blaze the Dragon, UAB

I can feel your scoffs through the screen. No, go ahead, this is a reasonable one to doubt me on. Done now? Need me to give you the simple facts of this case?

Dragons aren’t real.

“But Nolan, but Nolan,” I hear you clamor. “Nolan! You’re fighting this dragon, so it must be real!”

Well obviously it’s real – and I’m terrified of it too. But, if I can gaslight this reptile into believing in the impossibility of its existence, I’ll never even break a sweat.

Battle Strategy – My Ex-Wife Convincing ME it was all MY FAULT

No. 5 HokieBird, Virginia Tech

Frankly, I could have put even more oversized birds on this list, but I figured two would be enough. Thank goodness that Ben Franklin's idea to get the turkey as our national bird never got any real footing, otherwise this buffoon would be in the White House.

Right before this fight gets started, I’ll let him know that I ate an ungodly amount of turkey last Thanksgiving, and thought it was too dry. The conflict in that bird brain between anger over my consumption of his kin and the sadness that I didn’t even enjoy it will be overwhelming.

By the time he remembers this is a brawl, it will be far too late.

Battle Strategy – We’re getting Turkeys on the Menu.

No. 4 Demon Deacon, Wake Forest

I mean, come on guys. If I even punched this Mr. Peanut lookalike, I’d have the entire staff of his nursing home trying to take a shot at me.

I’m just going to sit next to his bedside and let him tell me the story of his childhood adventures until he slowly falls asleep around five in the afternoon.

Battle Strategy – Well, Back in My Day…

No. 3 Stanford Tree, Stanford

It’s a tree. With a face.

If anything, I’m doing the world a favor.

Battle Strategy – Paul Bunyan

No. 2 Brutus Buckeye, Ohio State

I’m not an Ohio State fan by any means. But, I will try to give Brutus the benefit of the doubt. Here is what I think he can reasonably bring to the table in a combat situation:

And that was the list right there.

I am a big fan of ballet, and you can guess which show I’ll take Brutus to see.

Battle Strategy – Not having a Tree Nut Allergy

No. 1 Otto the Orange, Syracuse

I hate orange juice.

I hate the color orange.

And if you know me, you know my thoughts on Syracuse University.

This isn’t going to be pretty.

Battle Strategy – Pulp-Free Pummeling

Nolan Collery is a third-year majoring in broadcast journalism, to contact him please email njc5848@psu.edu